| AHHHHHH |
[May. 4th, 2004|12:12 am] |
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I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I FEEL THIS WAY!!!! IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!!! |
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| Erase me. |
[Apr. 29th, 2004|10:52 pm] |
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Do you ever just want to not exist for a few days? Just... I don't know... not die... but to just go to sleep one night... and wake up a week later? Just lose a few days. To not have to wake up or get up or go anywhere or do anything-- just sleep-- like you're in a coma or something. I think that would be pretty cool. I'd really like to be able to just go to sleep. I don't know... I don't think I want to die... but I'm not really sure, I guess. God... I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I really want to cut... but I'm too afraid to. |
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| *sigh* |
[Apr. 27th, 2004|10:45 pm] |
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Well, I got a 100% on my women's studies project on SI... too bad that I can't enjoy the A because I'm too busy trying not to do something stupid... or is it? I don't understand why I feel this way... I guess sometimes there just isn't a reason. Oh, well. I just want to finish this week... because next week is the best week of the year. Finals week. No, I'm not being sarcastic. I love finals week. I don't have to do anything but take a few tests. The rest of the week is spent in bed where I belong. No class. No homework. Just sleeping, packing, and taking a few tests. The least stressful week of the semester. God (if indeed there is one) bless finals week. |
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| I'm hurting tonight. |
[Apr. 16th, 2004|10:35 pm] |
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Yeah... I don't know... Kendra and I had a fight... I just wanted to make her understand that ultimately, no pact is going to keep her from cutting. She's the one holding the knife. She's the only one who can put it down. I can't help her, I can't keep her safe, I can't save her life. She's got to want it. And she said that I'm the only thing that's kept her from cutting for the last three weeks. I DON'T WANT THAT RESPONSIBILITY!!! I don't want it to be my fault when she steps in front of some fucking train. I don't want to be the only thing keeping her on this side of the line. Why can't her son be reason enough to live? Why can't he make her want it? Why do I have to be so careful to keep that blade out of her hand. Her life is not my responsibility... right? |
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| Take this out of me. |
[Mar. 31st, 2004|11:57 pm] |
Last night:
God... I can feel it... it's coming back, and it's killing me. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I can reach down my throat and pull it out of me. I JUST WANT THIS TO GO AWAY!!!
I was talking to Kendra and she said, "what I really want to do is take a knife and stab myself like fuckin crazy."
And idk... that's what I want to do so badly right now. Or just go nuts on my legs with a crow bar.
I just took my huge steak knife (which I've never used to SI) to my RA. I said, "Can I just leave this here for awhile?" and started to walk. And then she hugged me and... idk... I find human contact very triggering for some reason. So I just started to cry... cause I don't think I can take this anymore. Anyway, I think I'm going to try to sleep now. |
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| Close call. |
[Mar. 22nd, 2004|11:37 am] |
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A friend cut so bad last night that she needed stitches, but didn't go and passed out. Honestly... I'm so powerless against this. She's like 15 hours away. |
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| Last Session |
[Mar. 10th, 2004|06:57 pm] |
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Today was my last counseling session. I wish I'd handled it better. I mean, I wish I would've said something... said thank you. Maybe I'll drop something off for him. It's strange... he's really out of my life forever. It's really quite sad and also a bit scary. |
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| Old entries. |
[Mar. 5th, 2004|02:42 pm] |
March 2:
I feel shitty about ten different ways tonight. And I don't even know why... well, I guess it's a combination of little things that don't matter individually, but when I put them together, they just make me feel bad. Take Two sucked major ass. It took so many takes to get through everyone's segments, apparently mine took longest of all. Whatever.
I have a Spanish quiz tomorrow morning, followed by counseling. Then I have some sewing to do for Amanda. Honestly. You'd think that I'd grow a fucking backbone, but do I? No. Cause the only way I can be liked is if I'm really funny or really helpful and willing to allow myself to be walked on. At least I'm smart enough to know that I do it now, though. Even if I can't change that about myself, I'm smart enough to know that about myself, and therefore I can keep myself from getting hurt. I just hope that logic holds up in the long run.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems.
And tolerance, it ain't acceptance.
March 3:
It hurts to know you can't help someone who is just like you. It hurts when people know, but don't care to say anything. It hurts to have information about people that you shouldn't have. People you don't really know, but that you can understand completely. Yet you can't do a thing about it. Helplessness is a killer. Sometimes I hate myself for not having a spine. Sometimes I wish I could cry, but I can't cause I don't really remember how-- so I have to find other ways to cry... and those ways are dangerous.
JESUS!!! I HATE IT THAT PEOPLE DON'T CARE!!! I HATE IT THAT I HAVE TO LIE TO EVERYONE AROUND ME!!!
Dad always said that I was really good at feigning it... I wish I weren't so good at it. |
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| SIAD |
[Mar. 1st, 2004|01:30 pm] |
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Live everyday like it's March 1st. |
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| Changing my minor |
[Feb. 19th, 2004|06:50 pm] |
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Okay, so I definitely want to write. I never thought of me as courageous... and I still don't. But I realize now that I can't be silent... cause the guilt is just too much. No more lies, no more multiple personalities. I have to let me out. Cause I deserve to be seen and heard. |
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| She's saving me. I don't even think she knows it. |
[Feb. 17th, 2004|09:56 pm] |
Okay, so Amy's slipping away from me now. And that scares me. Cause she's literally like the best thing in my life right now. And I'm so triggered now because I just don't know what to do. Cause I see me in her... and I don't know how to help me. I don't know how to save me.
Honestly!!! Why am I even sharing this? I know that it doesn't even matter because you aren't even here anymore. What could you possibly have to say to this anyway? I'm letting go of whatever image I had in my mind... whatever dream made me hang on. Cause you don't care. And that's okay. It really is. I thought I needed you so desperately to get me through this... now I'm realizing that I don't. That if anything, my childish fantasy of having whatever it was that we used to have back is only ... fucking up whatever I'm trying to do. I'm tired of not being me and I'm tired of bein gthe stand in. I will not put up with it anymore. So this is the end. And instead of feeling like total shit, I feel liberated.
We were just two empty dreams
Too big for hope alone to fill |
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| Red Bear |
[Feb. 9th, 2004|04:41 pm] |
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Got my package from Kendra today. OMG. It's like the cutest bear ever. No one's ever given me stuffed animals before. And it's so awesome cause she sent it cause of all the nightmares and sleepless nights and everything... so now I have something to hold. Maybe it will help... dunno. Whatever. |
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| Everybody's Gone At Last |
[Feb. 8th, 2004|11:38 pm] |
I miss him so much... and I'm so mad at him at the same time. This is so dumb... why do I feel like this months later? It just doesn't make sense. I've been worrying a lot about counseling Wednesday and the possibility that it will be my last session. He said it will be hard for him, too, but I wonder if he's just saying that cause it's his job. I just fear that the whatever's will come back for good.
This thing with Kendra is so complicated... I really do love her. That's why this is so hard. I'm so happy that we met... she's really indirectly opening my eyes to how fucking closed-minded my friends are. It's really starting to piss me off. All this time that I thought they were so accepting of everyone, now I find out that some are not all that true to their words... so I'm really questioning where I stand at this point. It's just very frustrating and I -- whatever. |
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| I don't think I want this. |
[Feb. 3rd, 2004|11:13 am] |
I'm not doing this for me. So why am I doing it? I know that this will disappoint, scare, and worry some of you. And for the life of me, I don't want to do any of those things. When I finally told my counselor that I SI, he assumed that I wanted to stop-- that I was ready. He expected me to say it... so I did. But it wasn't for me. It was for him. It was for you. As the weeks passed, I fooled myself into thinking that I wanted this... but I've been throwing up for 3 weeks, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm scared all the time-- even in my own room, in my own bed. I've been thinking about it and I wasn't really that pissed at myself when I cut last week. I just felt bad for letting my counselor down. For letting everyone here down. So I thought that I'd let myself down, too. But I didn't. So I decided that I'd try-- just to see. To see if I really hated myself for doing it as much I thought I did last week.
Honestly, I feel better now than I have in months. I'm just so-- calm. I feel so in control. I feel so relaxed and safe. I'm hardly shaking at all. I feel like myself again.
So what is this for? Maybe I won't say anything to him about it. Maybe I'll just pretend that it's over. I don't know. I'll think about it. I have about 20 hours to decide. I just don't know. Maybe I'll take a break from all this to figure out what I want. Cause it doesn't mean anything if it's not for me. Even if I stop-- I'll just end up going back to it.
Please know that I'm sorry. I really am. I know I let you down. But I can't lie to myself about who I am. |
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| Shoot me. |
[Jan. 30th, 2004|11:33 am] |
Last night I went to bed and eventually fell asleep. Around 2 I woke up kicking and screaming in my bed. I had a dream that my roommate gave me a hug, as she often does, and that I felt trapped, scared, threatened somehow... I don't know why. It wasn't a nightmare... actually, it was rather uneventful... but when I woke up, I was kicking and screaming. It woke my roomie up and she asked if I was okay... I said that I was, and that is true, but it was really hard to sleep after that. I was so scared... what's going on with me?
I watched The Color Purple on Wednesday night. There's a scene when Whoopi's character is about to shave Danny Glover's character with one of those old time razor blades... It's intercut with shots of African tribal children preparing to receive their tribal marks (five cuts/scars on each cheek). It was kind of suspenseful, but not really that bad. I freaked out. I couldn't breath-- thought I was going to have a panic attack. I froze up and my roommate was already in bed and couldn't fast forward like she did the last time in a similar scene... so I just had to gather everything inside me and get up at do it myself... I couldn't find the remote.... which sucked.
When I shower, I can't put my face directly into the water when I wash it anymore. And I can't breathe in elevators, either. I never used to have these problems... I never used to wake up kicking and screaming, even after my worst nightmares. I just don't understand. I'm so frustrated. |
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| *Scared* |
[Jan. 25th, 2004|12:03 am] |
In my Women's Studies class on Thursday, my professor was talking about how we define ourselves... for example, by gender, religion, sexual orientation, etc. Well, she said, "When someone says, 'Define yourself,' what's the first thing that comes to mind?" And the first thing that came to my mind was scared. As soon as she said, "Define yourself." I thought, "Scared."
I don't know... It was weird... And it scared me... no pun intended... I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want that to be the ONE THING that defines me...
On the upside, I'm really happy that the first thing to pop into my head wasn't cutter, self-injurer, suicidal, or depressed.
Always look on the bright side of life, eh? :-/ |
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| Found this on ryl... don't know where it came from originally. |
[Jan. 24th, 2004|11:04 pm] |
The SI's Bill Of Rights!
1.The right to caring, humane medical treatment.
Self-injurers should receive the same level and quality of care that a person presenting with an identical but accidental injury would receive. Procedures should be done as gently as they would be for others. If stitches are required, local anesthesia should be used. Treatment of accidental injury and self-inflicted injury should be identical.
2.The right to decide what, if any psychological treatment is warranted, so long as no one's life is in immediate danger.
When a person presents at the emergency room with a self-inflicted injury, his or her opinion about the need for a psychological assessment should be considered. If the person is not in obvious distress and is not suicidal, he or she should not be subjected to an arduous psych evaluation. Doctors should be trained to assess suicidality/homicidality and should make decisions about further psych treatment in the emergency room based on those factors alone; the fact that the injury was self-inflicted should not be a deciding factor.
3.The right to body privacy.
No one should subject a self-injurer to a body search looking for evidence of self-injury. Many of us have been abused; the humiliation of a strip-search is likely to increase the amount and intensity of self-injury while making the person subject to the searches look for better ways to hide the marks.
4.The right to have the feelings behind the SI validated.
Self-injury doesn't occur in a vacuum. The person who self-injures usually does so in response to distressing feelings, and those feelings should be recognized and validated. Although the care provider might not understand why a particular situation is extremely upsetting, she or he can at least understand that it *is* distressing and respect the self-injurer's right to be upset about it.
5.The right to disclose to whom they choose only what they choose.
No care provider should disclose to others that injuries are self-inflicted without obtaining the permission of the person involved. Exceptions can be made in the case of other medical care providers when the information that the injuries were self-inflicted is essential knowledge for proper medical care.
6.The right to choose what coping mechanisms they will use.
No person should be forced to choose between self-injury and treatment. No care provider should demand that a no-harm contact be signed; instead, client and provider should develop a plan for dealing with self-injurious impulses and acts during the treatment. The client should always be free to use whatever coping mechanism he or she feels is best at the moment. No client should be afraid to tell a care provider about an incident of SI.
7.The right to have care providers who are not afraid of SI.
Those who work with clients who self-injure should keep their own fear, revulsion, anger, anxiety, etc out of the therapeutic setting. This is crucial for basic medical care of self-inflicted wounds but holds for therapists as well. A person who is struggling with self-injury has enough baggage without taking on the prejudices and biases of their care providers.
8.The right to have the role SI has played as a coping mechanism validated.
No one should be shamed, admonished, or chastised for having self-injured. Self-injury works as a coping mechanism, sometimes for people who have no other way to cope. They may use SI as a last-ditch effort to avoid suicide. The self-injurer should be taught to honor the positive things that self-injury has done for him/her while recognizing that the negatives of SI far outweigh those positives and that it is possible to learn methods of coping that aren't as destructive and life-interfering.
9.The right not to be treated like a dangerous person.
No one should be put in restraints or locked in a treatment room in an emergency room solely because his or her injuries are self-inflicted. No one should ever be involuntarily committed simply because of SI.
10.The right to have self-injury regarded as an attempt to communicate, not manipulate.
Most people who hurt themselves are trying to express things they can say in no other way. Although sometimes these attempts to communicate seem manipulative, treating them as manipulation only makes the situation worse. Providers should respect the communicative function of SI. |
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| meh |
[Jan. 21st, 2004|09:48 pm] |
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Sometimes I think about how someday I won't have to write in this thing anymore. I'll just leave it behind and never have to look back... but then I remember that I'm wrong. There is no end to this... and even if there is, it won't be left in the dust, to drift into the abyss of the internet. It's out there now and I can't take it back. Sometimes I wish I could. |
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